Friday, 11 July 2014

Mums-in-waiting part 3

So its been a looooonnng time since I last wrote. A lot of the reason is because I was in recovery. We lost our third baby on October 18th 2013. And this was just two much to bear, not only was it complicated and took two months to complete it was also our third!! Our third! How many more will we lose? In the UK after you have had three miscarriages they refer you to the miscarriage clinic. Where they run a number of tests to see if there is an underlying cause to the miscarriage.

We allowed the hospital to test the tissue I had lost to see what the cause of the miscarriage was and it turned out our baby died of trisomy 22. Which is a sever disability (21 is down syndrome) this led doctors to believe we were genetically incompatible. And so we went for genetic testing. For 6 weeks the doctors let us believe we couldn't have children. Even they were surprised when the results came back negative - meaning we were compatible.

During the testing they discovered a polyp in my uterus which needed removing and so I had surgery. All of the other tests came back negative, and so the conclusion - nothing is wrong with us. However that whole process took 6 months and so now we are back TTC. Currently on my third cycle and I can tell you after 2 and half years, three miscarriages, an invasive operation and a barrage of test - IT DOES NOT GET ANY EASIER. Sorry for not being encouraging, but right now that's how it feels.

However I did listen to a wonderful message recently about 'Waiting Well' and this gave me a new perspective. How am I navigating this season? Will I look back and think 'I waited well'. I wonder sometimes if I have bored my friends to tears with my constant wishing and hoping and loss after loss. My husband often says all we have is hope and so every month I hope and I believe. And then the question, why do I want this so bad? It seems the more time goes on the more I want a baby.

I signed up to do a Masters to take my mind off of it but that didn't help. I was trying to buy a puppy but that has been unsuccessful. Everything just seems to pale into insignificance compared to wanting a baby. Why is that? Why do I feel as though I have failed as a woman because I have been unable to carry a baby?

In the end I surrender all and say Your will, Your way. I can't do this anymore. I just need to focus on my current blessings and focus on the hear and now, why act as if you have been robbed of something you never had (a quote I heard recently) all we have is the hear and now.

On July 16th it will be two years since our first miscarriage and on July 19th it will be a year since our second miscarriage. You were loved even before we got to say hello.